Thursday, May 26, 2016

Change is hard, and maybe that's ok.

I'm going to interrupt my regularly scheduled mid-week blog silence to post a link to an article that I came across a few days ago.  It was everything that has been bouncing around in my mind, except said by someone else so now it's more than just potential nonsense in my head.

To Anyone Who Thinks They Are Falling Behind

It's about how life changes are made when you are ready for them, and not a minute sooner.  It's about how it's ok to want change, but not be able to make it happen, because maybe you just aren't quite ready for it.  I have struggled a lot over the years with both my personal life and my career life, in thinking that maybe I'm not doing what is best for me, but at the same time feeling powerless or unmotivated to change things.  And then I wonder why I can't make myself make a change if it is what I "believe" I need.  But you know what?  When I am truly ready for a change, I make that change.  And I never look back.  So sometimes I need to be reminded that if I can't make a change, it's just because it's not time yet.  When it is time, I will make that change, and I will embrace it completely.

Change has always been hard for me.  Sometimes I joke about how I need to park in the same spot every day, but it's not really a joke.  Finding someone else in "my" parking spot can throw off my morning or evening.  I know that's crazy, and it doesn't really matter where I park.  But that doesn't stop me from getting pissy when I get home at the end of the day and have to park in the spot next to the one I want.  (I may or may not have moved "my spot" at school from one close to the building, to one further away, so that people would be less likely to take it...ok, I totally did that.)

Lately I have been trying harder to get out of my comfort zone.  It's not ok to have my entire day ruined by a silly parking spot.  Or by someone throwing off my schedule.  And it's silly to not want to go for a run because I'm sick of my normal route, but completely opposed to running a different route.  Things go wrong in my day at school constantly, and I have to roll with it.  On the outside, I always do.  Somebody needs me to drop my work and do something for them instead?  Inside, I'm seething because they think their time and work is more important than mine.  Outside, I force a smile and I do whatever they ask.  (This also has something to do with my extreme aversion to conflict, but that's a post for another day)  For now, if you need something done, just give it to me.  I'll do it, and I'll do it quickly and well.

Many times over the past years I have been "ready" for a career change.  I love teaching, but sometimes I feel like it is killing me.  I even job search occasionally.  Once I actually applied for a job in a running store.  But when it comes down to it, I've never quite been able to make the leap.  For now, I am accepting that I will make that leap exactly when I'm supposed to.  If I can't make the leap now, it's because I'm not really ready yet.  When I am ready, I will make it with no regrets.  Until then, there is a reason I am continuing to teach.  This chapter in my life just isn't finished yet.  There will be many more moments that leave me frustrated beyond belief, or crying at my desk. But there will also be so many amazing moments.  1st grade students speaking in Spanish.  8th grade students translating paragraphs into Spanish. Struggling Math students starting to shine.  PE students losing their fear of the ball and becoming one of the best teammates.

There is so much more I could say on the topic of life changes and where I could or should or would be in my life, but it would take me days to organize all those thoughts in my head.  I'm not even sure how coherent I was in this post.  In my defense, it's the 2nd to last day of school and my brain is beyond fried.

And to end on a completely different note, just for fun :

In honor of my upcoming 30th, here are some "throwback thursday" birthday photos I dug up. 

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